A Lover’s Discourse                          


A ball is being rewound in an uncomfortable state.

1. This is a bomb.

You will see it explode when I squeeze it firmly, which I am going to do in a minute.

2. This is a circle.

It’s supposed to be relying on gravity, either relying on sinking down underneath the ground.

3. This is a direction.

Even if it stops, it entails a yearning of running.

4. This is a crack.

Its core wants to come outside, so it cracks even if the cracks would ruin its physic.

5. This is a call.

It’s possibly assumable that everything we’ve known so far started from a small movement that calls prepositional substances and quantities from the ground.

6. This was an explosive bomb.

During my stay in Berlin, there were coordinated bomb attacks in Sri Lanka.

7. This was a void.

However, I knew none of the people who lived, injured or died in the region.


-- drinking in grief 

You’re seeking it but never capable of finding what you are asked to seek for. However, when you ask yourself once more, moaning for the grief you once had for the seeking, you realize you are abandoned from the people you used to love, which would turn you over to the futile yet happiness. You merely seek all by yourself: it never meant to be asked by someone else. You seek for the peace, that only underlies in the silence, that you’ve long forgotten since slipping into this country. Your loneliness does not require you. It only lingers through this and that moments of the last night. Waking up at late dawn, sobbing for and at yourself, you feel that the loneliness has never owned a language. Always flees from written thoughts but not forever. It comes back at your subconsciousness at which slight gestures of yours are waiting to be discovered. 

Contemplations on a lover’s discourse–what do we have now?

1. Anticipation of what a future parting would feel like: ever since anticipating it, the parting does no longer feel like just a speculation, more being alive, living and running toward me.

2. (re) creating a future of farewell that she/he/we/they and i would definitely encounter. by imagination.

3. what is future? what does it mean?

4. anticipate the future farewell based on what I feel. what is occurring to me in the deep heart. or intuition.

5. making a future by following its intuition of a person of what it wanna do at the very next time.

모든 감각을 열어서 (현재와 미래가 순간적으로 뒤섞이는 그 바로 현재 바로 미래를 느끼는 것) 작별을 고하는것. 과거에서부터 전해져 온 수많은 (기억이 나지 않을 만한) 사회적 문화적 교육적 가족적..whichever everything that I’ve been taught  의 관습이 자연스레 주는 불안감들로 형성되는 미래. ‘이렇게 된다면 이렇게 될거야’ 같은 기분의 미래. 과거와 현재 - 현재와 미래 사이에 갇히는 것. 그럼 그 때의 lover’s discourse 는 어디에서부터 온다고 해야 할까. 어디에 stuck 되어 있는 걸까.

A lover’s discourse #1
Love is an impulsive understanding that solely remains at a moment and flees away after all. The impulsive is so strong that i would feel as if the momentary understanding would stay forever, lingering in the ‘fact’ that i love him. However to be honest, it doesn’t stay even for a while. Most likely, flees yet staying still in my cognitive border of my love and my beloved. The impulse happens frequently when i naturally or subconsciously force myself to recall my beloved. The forcing is neither rigid nor fluid. It has many forms that multi-transforms simultaneously. Usually it takes a form of emotion or feeling. The forming emotion is daily or even weekly or even during a longer period accumulated upon personal yet collective history of the two. Due to its very innermost emotion which the one even exactly cannot either predict or understand, an impulsive emotional understanding of the shared relationship cannot be wholly comprehended.